And Jesus wept...Again.

Friends, Family and sometimes both. I'm back! I know, I know. I've been away for a while, but so much has happened that it's time to come back to you, my people. Look for new updates daily. At least until I get busy again. So what has happened recently?... Let me start with this bitch.

It's Carrie Peejeans, A.K.A. Carrie Prejean, A.K.A. "Miss California". As many of you know, Peejeans found herself in the middle of a controversy when she publicly declared during the pageant (while answering a question posed by a kinda famous, kinda douchy gay man) that she believes that marriage should be reserved for one man and one woman. Here it is in case you missed it.



Point of view aside, is it just me or was that the worst and most bumbled through answer in history? It was like watching the Miss Special Olympics pageant. But whatever.

That's nice, Carrie. Now, let's all google your name with the family filter off so we can see your fun bags plastered all over the Internet. That's right folks! In addition to the super nifty photo above, it seems 6 more photos of a fully topless Peejeans have surfaced to her utter disgrace. There's my issue right there. I understand many people do not agree with gay marriage. But isn't it always the folks that are so vocal about it like uber christian conservative and MINISTER Ted Haggard, or Republican Senator Larry Craig, who get caught doing meth and having sex with male prostitutes or trying to get a handy in the men's room at the Minneapolis airport!? Of course.

And now this. Yes, Carrie. Let's make sure we protect our country's "morals" and "values" by denying loving couples basic human rights. I mean, it's what Jesus would have wanted, right? Of course. But Carrie... How many youngsters have already made knuckle babies looking at your naked pictures online? I'm sure daddy isn't taking those into work to put on his desk. So now YOUR morals are in question but it's different, right? Of course. That's not what Jesus would do Carrie... Not at all.

Long live hypocrisy. That is all.

PS- "I Heart Opposite Marriage" bumper stickers coming soon to a bible bookstore near you.

Eat the F*in Cake, RiRi!

New Information...



That is all.

The Academy Awards

OK everyone! it's time for my Oscar review. I know it's a day late but hey, hopefully it is worth it. I know I haven't posted in a few days but I hope my loyal following will forgive me.

OK let's start off with best dressed. I know I am going to get crap for this but I don't care. I am naming Kate Winslet (pictured above) best dressed. The gorgeous slate and black dress, the flawless hair and jewels and the way she just "is". She was pure Hollywood at its very best. Brava!

Now on to worst dressed. Jessica Biel (pictured above). Oh Jessica. Were you running late, dear? Is that why you insisted on grabbing a clip and a bed sheet and "making it work"? Well, you didn't. You look like hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. Were there uglier dresses there? Yes. Why are you the worst dressed? Because you know better. Moving on.

Now for THE red carpet moment. While being interviewed Vanessa Hudgens (pictured above) said she felt like a young Audrey Hepburn. Hey, Nessa, come here honey. Here's the deal. The day Audrey Hepburn disgraces herself, her family and the company she works for by having her bush plastered all over the internet, we can talk about comparing you to old Hollywood. Until then, just stand there and smile. K? Thanks.

Finally, a red carpet shout out to David Bowie (pictured above). Although I'm not a big fan of his outfit, I do admire his bold choices.

Now on to the show. Based on the post-show reactions I've seen, my opinion that Hugh Jackman's musical numbers were boring, old time and self-indulgent is not a popular one. You're not that great, Hugh. Not even Beyonce or her rumored nip-slip (I didn't catch it) could save the 2nd musical number...

De Nada. I guess.

Go away. Fuck.

Funny

Not Funny

Aside from the Mickey Rourke crap at the end, I thought Sean Penn's Best Actor acceptance speech was heartfelt and thought provoking. Here's the video in case you missed it. Um. On a side note. Please pause the video at exactly 55 seconds. Now look behind the blond writer guy. OK. WTF IS THAT?!?!?! Holy Shit! That guy would have no problem biting an apple through a picket fence. How did he get into the Oscars? Is Angelina trying to adopt one of his kids? This just about ruined my night.

Then Slumdog Millionaire won best picture.

That is all.

Gab's Fab Birthday Party.

UGH!

I had sooo much fun last night at Gabby's Birthday party! We laughed, we sang, we drank and woke up naked on the side of the road in Costa Mesa. Again. What can I say? We're good like that.

I was also pleased to have met some new wonderful friends!

Bon Don, famous for her cupcakes. But that's between her and her husband.





Himbo an absolute riot and their good friend (and mine) Dula!

I can't wait to hang out with everyone again sooon! That is all.

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it...

Sorry, this was too fantastic and disgusting not to post. It's dedicated to all you fabulous single ladies. You're welcome. That is all.

Everytime you listen to Rush Limbaugh, Jesus kills a kitten.

Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, that crazy guy that sounds like a screaming dwarf, insert any right-wing pundit really, the result will always be the same. Kittens die, and none of us want that on our conscience, right? Right.

I love talk radio. Don't get me wrong, I love my ipod too, but if I'm waiting somewhere and don't have a book with me I feel a need to listen to talk radio but I can no longer stand even for a few minutes the right-wing hosts. Not even in-between a commercial break for something else.

For example, I was on my way to the store the other night and I caught Dr. Laura on the radio. As right wing as they come right? It's just not an overtly political show. So this woman calls in to be "counseled" on her failing 2 year marriage. The woman stays at home and does everything for this man but he still seems upset all the time and they fight over money a lot. Dr. Laura (without asking follow up questions) had the nerve to tell this woman that the problems in her marriage were clearly her fault, to quote, "What hard working man wants to come home to a lunatic shrill of a woman who has the audacity to question him about the way he spends the money he earns." It went on from there but I had to turn it off.

The point? If you like talk radio like I do and perhaps share more liberal viewpoints then I urge my friends here in LA to check out AM1150 KTLK http://www.ktlk.com/main.html. My friends in Detroit can check out AM1310 WDTW http://www.1310wdtw.com/main.html. Line ups include Stephanie Miller, Randi Rhodes, Rachael Maddow and some of the greatest progressive minds out there. On the weekends, personal favorites of mine, Frangela, from the VH1 Best week ever are on the air discussing politics and people. Hilarious.

That is all.

S.O.S.!! He's got the Umbrella ella ella eh eh.. 123 Disturbia Lane!

As a dear friend pointed out recently, I am THE authority on the Chris Brown/Rihanna situation. Unfortunately, that same friend (it's not Liz) made a real fool of herself blowing this and completely unrelated situations out of proportion and spreading vicious lies.

OMG if you could see how hard I am laughing right now, you'd laugh too. Not just because I'm totally the guilty one, not her, but because I'm blogging in jeans and a tank top and instead of looking like the blogging hunk I truly am, I'm all hunched over and looking more like a predator from Dateline. But I digress.

The "Alleged" Facts:

beat the crap out of

*Bruises to the face- Check
*Busted lower lip- Check
*Swollen head- Check
*Bite marks on arm(s)- Check

Rumored weapon:



Known Fallacies:

*Known Fallacy #1- that is at all acceptable in any way, shape or form. Even when on vacation.

*Fallacy #2- We now know this is NOT Chris Brown, or his car. Sheesh! lol. Too bad tho, it was a total waste of like 2 hours of my time last night.



More "facts" as they become available. Stay tuned...

That is all.

Grammy Review

OK so now for my 2009 Grammy review.

1) The No Shows:

is the new

nuff said. Oh Ri Ri. Please say it ain't so. I can't wait for the new reality show... "Being Chris Brown"...

2)

That brings me to Cracky Houston. Still all F*d up. Actually thinks that wig, those dentures and a leg waxing makes her hot. We will always love you. But it's over sweetie. It's over.

3)

I heard your song, and I liked it.. But those God awful green sparkle flats you were wearing have to go. You're a lipstick lesbian, right? Suck it up, put on some heels.

4)

Note to producers: When the younger talent is better than the living legend at his own song, it's a bit embarassing. Poor Al... Reduced to nothing more than back up to JT.

5)

Ugh! I LOVE you. Always have. Sorry your mom died, but your outfits for the most part are hideous and last night was no exception. So for GOD sakes fire your stylist before you end up in this ditty:

6)

I'm just glad Stevie couldn't see this...

7)

What the F*CK?

8)

Hey Neil, great job last night. Here's the deal. I can sing better than you now. In fact, I believe you are now reduced to spoken word albums/performances. It's embarassing for all of us. Trim your eyebrows and head on down to Boca Rattan with these 2 butt buddies

9)

The big winners of the night? Really? What have these 2 done in the last decade besides this? Has anyone heard that collaboration before last night? It was awful and confirmed the age of the average member of the committee.

10)

Holy shit, Mary mother of God and the saints. No comment.

I have to go.

That is all.

The Snuggie

OK so I was going to post the commercial for The Snuggie. You know, the completely ridiculous blanket with sleeves that they advertise ad nauseam. On one hand, it's completely annoying. On the other hand, I have to watch it, every time, all the way through to the end. I don't get it either. And just at the point when you think this may be an acceptable purchase as long as you never told anyone about it, they show the family at the baseball game and you find yourself back on planet Earth and hating these people for trying to sell you an ugly ass backwards robe with a shitty book light to go with it. Well, as I said, I was going to take you through the Snuggie commercial scene for scene until I found this brilliant parody on You Tube that pretty much sums it up. That is all.

WTF- THAT Mom...

I wanted to share a juicy tid-bit with you involving this mom at my kids school. Now, don't get me wrong, she might be a really nice lady but probably not. So she's that mom. You know, the one that's always at the school for no apparent reason, goes on every field trip and runs every fundraiser (poorly I might add). I honestly don't know if she leaves at all after dropping her kids off. So I'm a smoker and every time I'm waiting for my kids and she sees me smoking, she gives me this glare like she wants to kill me and then leans over to the other moms and I know she's talking shit. I mean, I don't discard my butts on school grounds, I'm across the street in my car minding my own damn business. I don't know, I just get this really creepy vibe from her. If we happen to cross paths, I just feel a wave of judgement the way she looks at me and my kids and like right when we're passing she always gives me this big toothy grin and pops her gum like a lioness protecting her unattractive cubs. I even caught her once kind of pulling her kids to the other side as we walked by like I was gonna offer her little bastards a martini and a Marlboro light. Bitch. Anyways, as with any school, parking is an issue. So if you can get there more than 5 minutes before school lets out- bonus, you might get a decent spot. So there have been a few times where I pull up and park and of course, she's the one and only parent parked in the school bus zone directly in front of where the bus parks leaving just enough room. Like she's special, right? And she will never hesitate to block traffic for miles to stop and talk to someone out the window in another car. GOD I hate that. So here's the deal, she'll get out of the car, put on her roller blades and proceed to roller blade up and down the sidewalk in front of the school. Maybe that's the soccer mom's version of pissing all over the place you know, like marking your territory. Nasty. So she's all sweaty and hair a mess and does this for seriously like 20 minutes and then just puts her shoes back on and goes and gets her kids. And she's always wearing the same outfit: school t-shirt and mom jeans that make your ass look like a W. Ew. Gross. I hope she has a collection of them that's all I'm saying. Probably not. She's probably one of those people who really want you to think they're better than everyone else and she's probably like dirt poor and her husband cheats on her and her house smells like shit covered with burnt hair. Just sayin... Remember moms, when you're weird and rude to strangers, there are people like me out there who notice and blog about you. That is all.

Handicapable...

I'm really new to this blogging thing. I just want desperately to be entertaining enough or at least interesting enough to keep your attention. So I'm going to blog mostly about other people at first. It's what I do best. So I have this friend. It's not Chelsea. We'll call her, "the small one". So "the small one" has this like weird fascination/attraction to handicapped men. Seriously! I think she was totally the fan club president for Corky Thatcher. Obladi Obladah... Anyways, she's always in love with a new disabled person. The deaf guy that comes in to her work, blind guy on American Idol, the guy in the wheelchair from high school. Jesus Christ on a bicycle, she even dated "Helmet Guy" from elementary school. For reals reals. The guy that wore the helmet and played with the rocks by himself at recess, she dated him... Additionally, if it's not some physical disability, it's an Ashton Kutcheresque attraction to old people! Her last crush was on a man 20 years her senior. It's not unusual either. I love this girl dearly so I refuse to judge. I just want her to be happy. But OMG if you can't hear, walk, talk or see, you got a date. If you can do any of that with an accent, I'll have a wedding to plan. She is currently a proud volunteer for the make a wish foundation. Not to help sick people... but to date them. Oh and I bought her a Jitterbug phone for her birthday. That is all.