Grammy Review

OK so now for my 2009 Grammy review.

1) The No Shows:

is the new

nuff said. Oh Ri Ri. Please say it ain't so. I can't wait for the new reality show... "Being Chris Brown"...

2)

That brings me to Cracky Houston. Still all F*d up. Actually thinks that wig, those dentures and a leg waxing makes her hot. We will always love you. But it's over sweetie. It's over.

3)

I heard your song, and I liked it.. But those God awful green sparkle flats you were wearing have to go. You're a lipstick lesbian, right? Suck it up, put on some heels.

4)

Note to producers: When the younger talent is better than the living legend at his own song, it's a bit embarassing. Poor Al... Reduced to nothing more than back up to JT.

5)

Ugh! I LOVE you. Always have. Sorry your mom died, but your outfits for the most part are hideous and last night was no exception. So for GOD sakes fire your stylist before you end up in this ditty:

6)

I'm just glad Stevie couldn't see this...

7)

What the F*CK?

8)

Hey Neil, great job last night. Here's the deal. I can sing better than you now. In fact, I believe you are now reduced to spoken word albums/performances. It's embarassing for all of us. Trim your eyebrows and head on down to Boca Rattan with these 2 butt buddies

9)

The big winners of the night? Really? What have these 2 done in the last decade besides this? Has anyone heard that collaboration before last night? It was awful and confirmed the age of the average member of the committee.

10)

Holy shit, Mary mother of God and the saints. No comment.

I have to go.

That is all.

The Snuggie

OK so I was going to post the commercial for The Snuggie. You know, the completely ridiculous blanket with sleeves that they advertise ad nauseam. On one hand, it's completely annoying. On the other hand, I have to watch it, every time, all the way through to the end. I don't get it either. And just at the point when you think this may be an acceptable purchase as long as you never told anyone about it, they show the family at the baseball game and you find yourself back on planet Earth and hating these people for trying to sell you an ugly ass backwards robe with a shitty book light to go with it. Well, as I said, I was going to take you through the Snuggie commercial scene for scene until I found this brilliant parody on You Tube that pretty much sums it up. That is all.

WTF- THAT Mom...

I wanted to share a juicy tid-bit with you involving this mom at my kids school. Now, don't get me wrong, she might be a really nice lady but probably not. So she's that mom. You know, the one that's always at the school for no apparent reason, goes on every field trip and runs every fundraiser (poorly I might add). I honestly don't know if she leaves at all after dropping her kids off. So I'm a smoker and every time I'm waiting for my kids and she sees me smoking, she gives me this glare like she wants to kill me and then leans over to the other moms and I know she's talking shit. I mean, I don't discard my butts on school grounds, I'm across the street in my car minding my own damn business. I don't know, I just get this really creepy vibe from her. If we happen to cross paths, I just feel a wave of judgement the way she looks at me and my kids and like right when we're passing she always gives me this big toothy grin and pops her gum like a lioness protecting her unattractive cubs. I even caught her once kind of pulling her kids to the other side as we walked by like I was gonna offer her little bastards a martini and a Marlboro light. Bitch. Anyways, as with any school, parking is an issue. So if you can get there more than 5 minutes before school lets out- bonus, you might get a decent spot. So there have been a few times where I pull up and park and of course, she's the one and only parent parked in the school bus zone directly in front of where the bus parks leaving just enough room. Like she's special, right? And she will never hesitate to block traffic for miles to stop and talk to someone out the window in another car. GOD I hate that. So here's the deal, she'll get out of the car, put on her roller blades and proceed to roller blade up and down the sidewalk in front of the school. Maybe that's the soccer mom's version of pissing all over the place you know, like marking your territory. Nasty. So she's all sweaty and hair a mess and does this for seriously like 20 minutes and then just puts her shoes back on and goes and gets her kids. And she's always wearing the same outfit: school t-shirt and mom jeans that make your ass look like a W. Ew. Gross. I hope she has a collection of them that's all I'm saying. Probably not. She's probably one of those people who really want you to think they're better than everyone else and she's probably like dirt poor and her husband cheats on her and her house smells like shit covered with burnt hair. Just sayin... Remember moms, when you're weird and rude to strangers, there are people like me out there who notice and blog about you. That is all.

Handicapable...

I'm really new to this blogging thing. I just want desperately to be entertaining enough or at least interesting enough to keep your attention. So I'm going to blog mostly about other people at first. It's what I do best. So I have this friend. It's not Chelsea. We'll call her, "the small one". So "the small one" has this like weird fascination/attraction to handicapped men. Seriously! I think she was totally the fan club president for Corky Thatcher. Obladi Obladah... Anyways, she's always in love with a new disabled person. The deaf guy that comes in to her work, blind guy on American Idol, the guy in the wheelchair from high school. Jesus Christ on a bicycle, she even dated "Helmet Guy" from elementary school. For reals reals. The guy that wore the helmet and played with the rocks by himself at recess, she dated him... Additionally, if it's not some physical disability, it's an Ashton Kutcheresque attraction to old people! Her last crush was on a man 20 years her senior. It's not unusual either. I love this girl dearly so I refuse to judge. I just want her to be happy. But OMG if you can't hear, walk, talk or see, you got a date. If you can do any of that with an accent, I'll have a wedding to plan. She is currently a proud volunteer for the make a wish foundation. Not to help sick people... but to date them. Oh and I bought her a Jitterbug phone for her birthday. That is all.